Hello Mike!
I met a guy five months ago whom I like very much. He's taken me on several dates and has cooked a nice dinner for me a couple of times. We would go out twice a week and I would spend the night at his place and go to work from there. All of a sudden, he started cancelling plans and making excuses which I sensed were a whole bunch of lies. I kept my cool and told him that I understand if something came up we can always meet later. Then he cancelled again, I told him understood. He would cancel and suggest to meet another day only to cancel again. When he cancelled for a third or fourth time I told him that.. "you obviously have some things you need to work out. Go ahead and do that. Good luck and hope I will be around when everything is resolved". He never responded. Since I liked him so much I ended up texting him the next day. He asked me to come over and I went (I also had to get my bra and undies from him).
When I got there I asked him for my bra and undies. He seemed reluctant to give them to me. He instead suggested we go grab some dinner. We ordered a take out. After dinner, I asked him from my bra and undies again. That's when he reluctantly went to his closest and give em to me. I then told him thanks for dinner and that I had to leave. He got mad claiming that I came to just use him for dinner. He went on to say that ever since he met me, he's been trying to impress me by cooking for me and taking me out on dates but, he hasn't seen me putting any effort towards him. He said that never once have I brought a bottle of wine, glasses and candles for a romantic evening with him. Never once have I cooked for him, or stop at the grocery store and get us food to cook together. He went on and on. I have paid for some fast food though before and I also paid tip at a restaurant one time. He was very happy and appreciative when I paid for the fast food. He tried to stop me, but I told him he always pay for us, so it was OK for me to pitch in.
After his speech, I told him I usually move so slow and I am not aggressive type girl. I told him I feel like I do not know anything about him yet after over four months and this causes me to have my guard up! I also reminded him that I had told him that I was going to take him out and treat him but he kept on cancelling. Long story short, I ended up not leaving that evening and spent the night at his house. We didn't have sex because I was on my period but gave him oral the next morning before I left for work. One thing I should mention, I always give him hickies and he never stops me, he actually likes it when I bite him and stuff! We talked for a long time and I told him I was going to try to spend like every other night at his place and I'm going to need a drawer space to put my necessities. He said he'll only believe it when he sees it! (I normally pack all my things and take them with me when I leave for work in the morning).
Keep in mind I had told him that I was enjoying spending time with him and that I was looking for an exclusive relationship with the right person. "His response was, he doesn't know but if we keep on hanging out maybe something will happen". So, I left it at that. But during the conversation, I also told him that I am not looking for a husband, but I want something more permanent and reliable cause for the past three years or so I have been dating and it has become emotionally draining. I also said that he's free to date other people cause he's responsible for his own happiness! I made it clear that I liked him very much and I know better not to pressure him into anything he's not ready for! We also talked about NBA playoffs and he said that next season we'll go to the game.
So, after all his speech about me not putting any effort, I told him that I would treat him and take him to a nice restaurant and do something else after dinner. He agreed and told me that he was free on Saturday. So, we made plans for Saturday and I made dinner reservations for Saturday evening but, I didn't tell him I had made reservations. That Saturday I texted him telling him around noon that I will be over his house at 6PM. He never responded. Three hours later or so, I called him, he didn't pick up. Then I texted him saying I will be over his place at 6PM and was wondering if we were still on. He texted me saying he was a little busy and then he said "Sorry I have to push it back....forgive me". I responded "I understand that something came up... these things happen. However, I had set aside this time for us and I’m really disappointed that you cancelled without enough time for me to make alternate plans for a Sat night. So, if you’re interested in seeing me again, you should let me know how you’d like to make this up to me, and I’d be happy to spend time with you again" (by the way I got this response online). He never responded or called me back and it's Wednesday today. I have not texted or called him. I decided to let him be hoping that if I give him space he'll come back to me.
What do I do? I really like this guy.
Thanks,
Lukresia
Lukresia,
Thanks for the story.
In the first paragraph it states, "he cancelled for a third or fourth time". For me, this is unacceptable behavior that no woman should put up with. If a man is really interested in a woman, there is NO WAY he is cancelling a date. He may even show up early to pick her up.
A man cancelling one date, maybe because he gets stuck at the office, that is reasonable, but later in your story you said, "I told him that I would treat him and take him to a nice restaurant and do something else after dinner. He agreed and said he was free on Saturday."
This is crazy! If my girlfriend wanted to buy me dinner and then do something special for me after, you better believe I would show up in my best outfit and super excited for a great night. However, this guy, doesn't respond and eventually cancels. He most likely cancelled because there was a better option for Saturday night. Bottom line, you are fabulous, putting yourself out there and making him a priority in your life but he is simply making you one of his options.
I don't think this is fair to you. You are special and deserved to be treated as such.
I would suggest saying the following to him: "I really like you. I have so much fun with you and I think you are an amazing man. However, I want to be with a man that pursues me, and when he makes plans, doesn't cancel them. Thus, we are 100% done and although I like you I am going to find a man who treats me how I want to be treated."
Next, immediately walk out.
If he stops you and begs for another chance, maybe you give it to him, but keep him on a short leash. Or, maybe he lets you walk out and you will know with 100% certainty that he was never that interested.
By the way, in this part of the story, "I then told him thanks for dinner and that I had to leave. He got mad claiming that I came to just use him for dinner. He went on to say that ever since he met me, he's been trying to impress me by cooking for me and taking me out on dates but, he hasn't seen me putting any effort towards him. He said that never once have I brought a bottle of wine, glasses and candles for a romantic evening with him. Never once have I cooked for him, or stop at the grocery store and get us food to cook together. He went on and on."
I am pretty sure he said all these things in hopes of guilting you into some form of a sexual experience. Which, he accomplished his goal by morning time and then he proceeded to stop responding to you for a few days. All this leads me to believe he is using you for sex.
I am sorry for the bad news, but I hope you use my advice and this guy starts to treat you like you deserve or you get out of this unhealthy relationship and find a new better guy.
Best of luck,
Mike
I remember growing up believing once I fell in love, that would be it for me. No more dating around. I found her, time to get married and spend our lives together. However, at some point to my chagrin I realized love is not enough. Keeping a significant other involves a lot more than just love.
However, in this article I am going to tell you the 2 principles that will make it almost impossible to mess up a relationship that has love.
Without further ado:
1. Accept him for who he is
2. Appreciate him for what he does
Yes, these concepts are VERY SIMPLE. But, they are amazingly hard to execute. So I am going to dive a lot deeper on how to implement.
1. Let's start with accepting him. This means actually liking all his weird idiosyncrasies. This means making him feel good about his insecurities.
For example, I quit my stable corporate america job with a stable paycheck to start this business. My income is very varied and sporadic, which makes for not the most stable of boyfriends to eventually start a family with. However, my girlfriend admires my ability to face risk and everyday she pushes me to get small wins. She makes me feel confident in my decisions and even lifts me up on days where I think I should throw in the towel.
In turn, I feel that she completely accepts me for who I am and is not trying to change me.
2. Let's move onto appreciating him.
The male ego is fragile and needs to be bolstered constantly especially by the person who is supposed to lift it up.
In order to make my point clear I want to visit my friend Ryan and Noelle's marriage and eventually divorce. Background: College educated, great jobs, mid 30's, wonderful home, dog, and white picket fence. From the outside looks like the perfect marriage.
As homeowners, things would occasionally need to be fixed or renovated. Ryan would perform the tasks, the best he could. However, Noelle came from a family of carpenters. Thus, no matter how hard Ryan tried, his work was never sufficient. Instead of receiving appreciation for his efforts, Noelle would compare it to professionals, put Ryan down, complain, and then fix it herself.
Ryan was a confident strong man but eventually without recieving apperciation and encouragement from his wife he could no longer be loving and the great husband he usually is. Once, he stopped being a great husband, you can only imagine how the relationship snowballed and eventually ended in divorce.
Obviously, I over generalized all the causes of this divorce but the point still remains that a man needs to feel appreciated.
No matter what he is doing, you have an opportunity to make him feel like a million bucks if you want him to feel that way.
Examples: Takes garbage out, grab his arms and say, "You are so strong, thank you"
Does the dishes, "You are so sexy when you do the dishes"
Calls you on the phone, "Thanks for calling, it makes me so happy to hear from you"
Not only will these words of encouragement make him feel great but if you continue your positive reinforcement you can train him to repeat good behaviors. And guess what, he is going to be happy as can be to do these chores as long as you over appreciate him for it!
Want to learn how to train your man without changing him in more detail? Read this article.
In the meantime, remember to appreciate and accept him and you will never ever lose a man you love ever again!
Have you ever said "I Love You" to your new significant other and in return heard crickets? If you have, you know this might be one of the worst feelings. It leaves you insecure, worried, and also puts a lot of pressure/strain on the relationship.
If you are feeling love for your partner should you blurt it out immediately?
Unlike almost every other blog post, I am NOT going to give you a definitive answer. I am simply going to tell you what happens in both instances and let you decide which scenario works better for you.
First, let's discuss saying "I Love You" as soon as you are feeling it.
Positives:
1. No secrets, open lines of communication (Very Healthy Trait to have in a relationship)
2. YOU feel stress relieved by getting it off your chest (I bolded YOU because sometimes speaking is purely for the benefit of the person speaking, not the listener)
3. Saying "I Love You" is one of the best compliments you can give a person
Negatives:
1. The person does not feel the same way
2. When you say "I love you", you don't want to say it once. You want to shout it from the rooftops. If he/she doesn't say it back, you must likely are not going to be saying it again for awhile.
3. If the person is not ready to say it back and doesn't, for the next few weeks/months there could be immense pressure to say it or end the relationship.
I know many men/including myself that have had a woman say "I Love You" first have seen strain put on the relationship. The lack of the term of endearment being reciprocated caused conversations like "Where is this relationship headed and so forth" (Although a great conversation to have, imagine what you will feel when he says, "I want to get married one day but I am not there yet". Coupled with not saying "I love you", the average person would feel pretty insecure in the relationship and it could bubble over to questioning the stability of the partnership. Do YOU want to add this pressure?
Second, lets visit holding "I Love You" in to wait for your partner to catch up.
Positives:
1. No pain, insecurity from potentially not hearing the words back
2. Zero Risk
3. Keeping the relationship light and airy so the guy can eventually on his own terms get to feelings of love and more importantly wanting to spend the rest of his life with you. (Note: It is not easy to find love, but based on the divorce right and the amount of monogamous relationships that end it is clearly way harder to find and make a life partnership work)
Negatives:
1. Suppressing your feelings
2. Maybe he loves you too and his scared to say it too (stalemate)
3. If you are dying to tell someone how you feel, it is really hard to keep it a secret.
4. If you love him and he doesn't love you back, it may end a relationship that was never going to work anyway
Alright ladies and gentleman, that is the breakdown of telling your significant other, "I Love You" first. I hope you can weigh the pros and cons and make a decision that is right for you. I know after re-reading my pros and cons I am certainly leaning towards one direction being the correct approach.
Which approach do you think is better?
