Mike Goldstein
When you are upset and love someone, emotions are high and it can be very difficult to have a calm rational discussion. For most of us, logic goes out the window, defenses kick in and listening, understanding, and real solutions rarely take place.
In my opinion, once the train is off the tracks it is very difficult to re-rail it. Unfortunately, you just need to let the crash happen and then pick up the pieces after. However, many of these train collisions can be easily avoided.
Here are the steps:
1. Disregard Fights on Topics That Are Not Important - Life is too short, Enjoy each other
2. If you must Fight, If the topic is Not Important, Even if you know you are right, tell the other person they are right and let them "win"
3. Discuss Plans to Avoid Fights (Perform this When Happy With Each Other)
For example: When I get mad, I need to be far away from the person and when I am ready to chat with that person, my emotions will be back at normal levels and I will be able to have a loving conversation. Thus, if I notice I am getting mad, I will tell my gf, "I love you, I am getting upset, I am going to head to the gym and once I cool down we can discuss this"
If I told her this in the midst of an argument, she would probably not be happy that I was leaving while she wants to talk. Fortunately, we have discussed prior to our fight that I am not capable of being her loving, caring, active listening boyfriend when I am mad. Thus, she knows it is best for both of us if she waits to have our hard conversations when I am more open to truly listening to her.
Another example of a fight I have had is the following: My girlfriend hates when I look at my phone during our quality time together. I totally agree with her that my behavior is annoying but unfortunately it is a habit at this point. But, together we came up with a solution.
If she is really getting bothered by it, she is going to ask me to have the 10 foot rule. This means I put my phone 10 feet away and thus will only go get it if I truly need it for something, not to google why glue doesn't stick inside the container.
On her side, if she sees me using my phone, she will occasionally pick hers up and read articles. These two solution for the phone are new so I will keep you posted if they work.
In order to reiterate, attempt to have serious discussions only when both parties are in the right mental state to have the discussion, avoid fighting on minute topics, and finally if a fight happens on an inconsequential topic let the other person "win".
Different people speak different languages when it comes to love. The key is understanding what languages your partner speaks, then fulfilling them the right way.
My girlfriend, for example, wants to spend time with me while I just want her to tell me she loves me. Between dates at the beginning of our relationship I would constantly tell her how amazing she is and that I was crazy about her. Although she appreciated the words, it was more meaningful to her if I went into NYC on a Wednesday night for couples BYOB painting class. (Great date by the way!)
The point is, every person has different preferences when it comes to showing and receiving love. Below are 5 love languages discussed in a book I read by Gary Chapman to help you determine what your 2 primary languages are.
1. Words of Affirmation
Encouragement - friends says "I want to lose weight." You say, "If you decide to do it I know you will succeed because you are the kind of person who accomplishes goals."
Praise - "you did an excellent job"
Kind Words - what we say and manner in which we say it. Ex: "I love you vs. I love you?" People interpret our message by our tone of voice, not the words we use.
2. Physical Touch - Self explanatory
3. Quality Time
Sympathetic Listener -
Do: maintain eye contact, ask questions,
Don't: provide solutions, roll eyes, take person's topic and talk about how it relates to you
Express Understanding - "I can see how you would feel that way. If I were in your shoes, I'm sure I would feel the same way"
Ask If you could do anything helpful
4. Acts of Service
Do these things because you want to, not because you’re forced
5. Gifts
If you are a saver and your partner is a spender. You must spend as an investment in your love for her.
Next Steps:
I would suggest implementing the love languages by first determining what your parent’s are. Once you determine that, you can attempt to speak their language and see how it affects your relationship with them.
For example, if your father is words of affirmation, thank him for being an amazing dad the next time you speak to him and see how he reacts to your compliment.
Moving forward, I would suggest in all relationships (business, personal, or love) figure out what language the person speaks and attempt to fulfill those needs. In return watch all your relationships blossom.
Dear Mike,
"Are any of your dating articles geared to men and how they can be better at dating? Without men meeting us even 1/2 way, you can give women all the advice in the world and nothing will change." Preferred to remain Anonymous
Dear Anonymous,
First, you are right 98% of my articles are geared towards women. I do this on purpose.
Fortunately, or unfortunately, depending on your perspective 90% of self improvement literature published is for women. The fact is, women are more willing to ask for advice, accept it, and even use it. Men for whatever reason, I am guessing ego, are not willing to ask for advice as often.
Thus it is a much better use of my time to give advice to a sex that is willing to read it and better yet, put it into practice.
However, it is not lost on me that 50% of the population is being left out on learning better dating skills. As far as I am concerned, that is an unacceptable percentage. Thus, I teach men indirectly. Any woman who becomes a client will learn the skills to communicate so effectively that the man who adores her will WANT to do What She Wants because of the appreciation he will receive for it.
I hate to say this, but since I am a man I think I am allowed. Men are as simple as Pavlov's dogs. If you remember the scientific study, basically a scientist would ring a bell then give the dogs a treat. He did this over and over again. Soon the dogs would start salivating just by hearing the bell because the bell signaled to the dogs a treat is coming.
Well women can do this with men, but most importantly do it in a way that is not sneaky but in a way that will leave her man entirely happy and excited that her woman is smart enough to understand the concept.
Let me give you an example, you are living with a man and it drives you crazy that he never hangs up the floor mat to dry off after taking a shower. This goes on for months. You politely remind him, "Please hang up the floor mat after a shower", you do this over and over again. However, he consistently forgets. Eventually, after multiple occurrences, you lose it and get into a big argument. He doesn't realize that the issue isn't about a floor mat, but is about him not listening to you and making you feel so unimportant that he can't do the littlest of things for you.
The man gets angry because he doesn't understand why he is being scolded over forgetting to hang a bath mat. He is thinking is this really a big deal?
The answer is simple, if he knew that you were feeling unheard and unimportant he would be sympathetic. Which in a roundabout way brings me to concept of more effective communication.
So how could you avoid this whole argument and build a much happier relationship all at the same time? Very simple. Tell your man this, "If you would hang up the bath mat, you would make me the happiest girl on the planet"
Then next time he hangs up the bath mat, go over to him, give him a huge hug and kiss, and say, "You handsome man! Thank you so much for hanging the bath mat". Now repeat this process for a few weeks or longer until he is consistently hanging up the bath mat.
Congratulations your man is now just as smart and likely just as happy a dog. His treat is the appreciation; your smile, the hug, the kiss, the feeling he gets that he can make you happy!
There is nothing sexier in a man's eyes than a woman who knows how to appreciate a man. I personally will go to hell and back for a woman's appreciation. This is how men are wired.
Ladies, I just gave you the superhuman power to control men. All you need to do is appreciate them for anything they do. You will now be able to get whatever you want. I urge you, please use your new found superpowers for good.
Also, anonymous, I hope you feel better about the fact that I am giving advice to women, but ultimately intend to help both sexes though relationship osmosis if you will.
Happy Dating,
Mike
If you need relationship advice, please contact me for a FREE chat.
Contact me at datingcoachmike@gmail.com