I brought my boyfriend of three months home to meet my mom. Later in the week I spoke with my mom and she said she didn't trust the guy and something was not right. Should I tell my boyfriend my mom doesn't like him? What should I do?
Thanks for the great question. When we were teenagers, the romeo and juliet effect was alive and well, when parents didn't approve our significant other, more times than not we were pushed closer to them. However, now as adults we want our families to get along with our potential future husband. In an ideal world we picture our families blending and potentially spending holidays and other events together. In order for this to happen, we need everyone to get along.
You asked, "should you tell your boyfriend your mom doesn't like him?"
I would suggest waiting. If you have a guy that treats you well, like you deserved to be treated, your mother will eventually see how he treats you. Now, assuming your mother has your best interests at heart, when she sees the great treatment you receive, she most likely will start to warm up to your new boyfriend.
Bringing in new people to an already set family dynamic can be challenging. A mother could be accustomed to receiving your undivided attention. However, now she may be receiving less quality time because you now need to divide your attention between her and your new boyfriend. It is important that you are sensitive to your mother's need and will most likely want to start a dialogue with her to see how she feels about the new dynamic.
Is she still receiving what she needs out of her mother/daughter relationship?
Through strong communications, and a willingness to adapt to new social dynamics, hopefully all parties will be able to find a new normal and through time your great boyfriend and mother should grow closer together.
I was listening to the song, Next Boyfriend, by Lauren Alaina and everything about it resonated with what I am trying to teach. Here are some of the lyrics:
You look a lot like my next boyfriend I can't believe how much you act like him You and me, we'd be unbelievable And I'm available No, I don't think it's a coincidence I put it all together, it makes sense Boy, you ain't no fling or a could've been You look a lot like my next boyfriend
First, "you look a lot like my next boyfriend". This resonated because to me it speaks about how a man treats you. It doesn't matter if you have the title, are on your first date or have been dating for 6 months. How does he treat you? Does he treat you how you want to be treated? If he doesn't, have you told him what you expect?
Next, "you and me, we'd be unbelievable and I'm available." I love this. There is zero insecurity, zero confusion. "I'm available." That is confidence and honesty personified. No hard to get, no games, just openness.
In terms of men that are looking for life partners, they are looking for honesty, confidence, and strong communication. When you can articulate what you want, you are also communicating that you are equipped to navigate tough conversations, like where to live, finances, and other potentially difficult sit downs that come up when joining two lives.
Finally, so many "experts" talk about making yourself less available and yes, that can work. But every scientific study discusses how the sexiest/most desirable trait in the opposite sex is confidence. So instead of worrying about your availability, how about focusing on confidence and if you know you want something, stating it.
I remember when I was single and in my mid twenties I would stay up at night and attempt to figure out what qualities I would need for a lifelong partner. I remember coming up with a decent game plan, and then going onto okcupid and searching vigorously for the girl. I would go on some dates and eventually find a girl worth pursuing. After a few dates or sometimes months I would realize that the girl was not right for me.
Looking back, there was a few things that were apparent.
1. I didn't totally know what I needed in a partner
2. I consistently and constantly would change my game plan on what qualities I needed in a woman
3. My list of must haves were things I wanted NOT needed
So what should you do to make sure you focus on the right men and don't waste time?
Build Your Perfect Man List:
1. List every quality and characteristic you want in a man
2. Rank Your Top 5
Moving forward, if a man has your top 5, keeping dating him. If he doesn't, dump him immediately. One caveat, if you are dating a guy and he makes you realize you need X, add X to the list and remove one of your other qualities.
Why is this list SO IMPORTANT?
Online dating has given all of us the ability to go on countless dates. I know when I processed each date I would determine if a 2nd date was happening purely on chemistry. That method does NOT work. Chemistry does not equate to a lifetime partnership.
So I beg of you, build this list, stop making willy-nilly dating decision, and treat finding love seriously. If finding a soul mate is important, only date people that have potential to obtain that elite status. So congatulations! You just made dating at least 10X more efficient. Go You!