- Crista Caruso
- Jul 6, 2018
- 2 min read
While at work, a woman is on her male side and she is forced to suppress her emotions all day. Because all of these emotions are bottled up, when she gets home, the tiniest issue can seem huge and overwhelming. The most damaging thing that a woman can do in a relationship is take all of her stress and frustration out on her partner.
One of EZ Dating Coach, Mike's, friends experienced this issue last year. She was dealing with a lot of stress at work and she and her boyfriend were arguing a lot. It wasn't until Mike helped her take a step back that she realized why they were fighting so often. She was unloading all of the stress of her day onto her boyfriend. She was upset about a lot of things that she encountered during the day but she wasn't able to express any emotions at work. When she got home, after everything built up inside, any little thing would trigger an angry response. A few dirty dishes in the sink would cause her to completely lose it. Her boyfriend felt attacked and judged and even when she wasn't yelling at him, the tension was enough to drive a wedge between them.
There are ways that both women and men can combat these issues. I outlined steps that a woman can take to help change a man's negative behavior through positive actions in my "Instead of Complaining, How Can You Get Men To Change Their Behavior?" blog post. Essentially, when you notice a negative behavior, like being messy... detach from trying to change him, do something that makes you happy, give him the acceptance and trust that he needs, ask for his help, and show him appreciation. Following these steps will help you to calm down and relax and it will help him change the negative behavior through positive reinforcement.
Men can help by being patient, understanding, and supportive. Let your girlfriend know that you are there to listen. If you can't think of any advice to give, DON'T PANIC! You don't have to solve her problems. Just being there and listening is enough. Another way to help is to let her anger pass and don't fuel the fire by having a negative response. Getting angry or defensive will only make things escalate.
Love each other, listen to each other, and stay cool. You'll be one step closer to having this love thing all figured out!
Check out this video for more information on this topic from John Gray, the author of "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus":
Wondering if you would be a good fit for coaching with EZ Dating Coach? Book A complimentary 15 minute strategy session HERE and find out. Let's get you a high quality man that will be yours forever.
- Crista Caruso
- Jul 3, 2018
- 3 min read
Many women find themselves relying too heavily on their partners for their happiness. In "Why Mars and Venus Collide", John Gray explains that 90% of a woman's happiness needs to come from herself and the remaining 10% should come from her partner. This is called "The 90/10 Rule". Think of it like this: Your life is your main course and your man is your dessert! Dessert is a part of your meal, some might even say it's one of the best parts, but you need your main course to nourish and sustain you.
Check out this video for more insights on this topic, straight from John Gray himself!
One of EZ Dating Coach, Mike's, friends recently reached out to him in a panic. She was worried that she was pushing her boyfriend away by being too clingy. She felt like she needed to be with him all day, every day. Her happiness completely depended upon him and she felt lost without him whenever they were apart. She feared that she was smothering him and making him crazy. She was also troubled by the thought that she couldn't be happy if he wasn't near. She had always considered herself to be a very independent, self-reliant woman. Why was she feeling this way? Why was she acting this way?
Mike explained to his friend that if all of your happiness completely relies upon your partner, it's only a matter of time before you cross the line into stage 5 clinger territory! If you think that the only way for you to be happy is for you to be with your man, of course you are going to hold on for dear life. This is a very common issue and it is very unhealthy for you or your relationship.
There needs to be space in a relationship for you both to grow. You will grow separately as people and you will grow together as a couple. You will feel fulfilled, not just in your relationship, but in your own life, too. It will also benefit you by allowing your independence and strength to shine. These attractive qualities will also strengthen your relationship with your man. Mike taught his friend the 90/10 Rule and things have been great with her and her relationship ever since!
So, how does the 90/10 Rule work? You need to find balance and happiness within yourself. Do things that make you happy. Spend time with friends or enjoy some time working on a project or hobby. You won't just strengthen your bonds with your friends, you will strengthen your knowledge of who you are and what you need.
Now that you know what you need, you have to listen to these needs. You have to take care of yourself and you have to treat yourself. Many people are afraid of being alone. Once you realize that being alone doesn't have to feel lonely, you will allow yourself to enjoy the peace that only alone time can bring. It gives you a chance to relax and decompress. Give the 90/10 Rule a try and learn to rely on yourself for the majority of your happiness. You will notice benefits all around!
Wondering if you would be a good fit for coaching with EZ Dating Coach? Book A complimentary 15 minute strategy session HERE and find out. Let's get you a high quality man that will be yours forever.
- Crista Caruso
- Jun 28, 2018
- 3 min read
Have you ever experienced this?... You come home after a long day at work, hoping to finally relax. When you walk through the door, you are met with a sink full of dishes or a messy room and that is the last straw. Why is he so messy? You're too tired for this! Why should you have to clean up after him?
You might start yelling because you are so frustrated. This leads to him either ignoring you or getting frustrated with you. Why are you nagging him? It's no big deal!
Research shows that when a man comes home from work, his stress level drops significantly. When a woman comes home from work, she brings the stress home with her. This is because when a woman is at work, she is on her male side all day long. You can't show negative feelings like discontent, frustration, disappointment, or feelings of inadequacy at work. Once a woman gets home, she experiences an increase in her cortisol, the appropriately titled "stress hormone". This leads to her being hypercritical of her surroundings. This is overwhelming, stressful, and difficult to process. When you suppress your emotions all day it's only a matter of time before BANG! ...you explode! As the woman points out everything that's wrong, the man feels attacked and frustrated and most likely not open to changing the behavior that upset her.
So, how can you get him to change his negative behavior?
Step 1: Don't Try To Change Him From A Place Of Discontent
If you approach him with negativity and anger he will only resist. Recognize that you are stressed, angry, and coming at him with that energy will only make things worse. To calm down, take a step back and search for happiness outside of your environment. Look inside.
Step 2: Take Time To do The Things That Make You Happy
If it doesn't make you happy to clean up after him, don't do it! Go somewhere or do something that does makes you happy. Your body needs an increase of estrogen and progesterone. You can get that by engaging in both social bonding and you time. You can also get a boost by giving. That leads us to Step 3...
Step 3: Understand What He Needs
Where does happiness come from? Giving! It makes the person you are giving to feel good and it makes you feel good. He doesn't want you to clean up after him and resent him. Like you, he wants you to understand what he needs. So, what does he need? He needs to feel appreciated, accepted, and trusted. He might not be the tidiest person in the world but he does have traits that you love and appreciate. Focus on those characteristics, show him love, and give him what he needs.
Step 4: Ask Him For Help
Ask him for help and show him appreciation after a job well done. When a man feels appreciated, his testosterone goes up and he feels good. When he feels underappreciated, he feels inadequate and he crashes, becoming passive and deflated.
Let's sum it up... You notice a behavior, like being messy, that is driving you crazy... detach from trying to change him, do something that makes you happy, give him the acceptance and trust that he needs, ask for his help, and show him appreciation. Following these steps will help him to change the negative behavior through positive reinforcement. It will also help you avoid a conflict and it will ultimately bring you closer together.
Having said that, it is important that you don't let your feelings go unheard. After you take a step back, you might notice that the thing that you were upset about wasn't really that big of a deal. Whether the issue is big or small, you can release some of the stress of the day by talking to your partner. One helpful technique would be to talk for a few minutes about any negative things that you encountered during your day, followed with some positive things in your life. Even if your partner doesn't say anything, just having him there to talk things through can really help. You will receive an increase in oxytocin, making you feel better, and your partner will see that talking to him helped you, making him feel good about himself. That's pure pair bonding in the most powerful way.
Check out this video for more information from John Gray, the author of "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus":
Wondering if you would be a good fit for coaching with EZ Dating Coach? Book A complimentary 15 minute strategy session HERE and find out. Let's get you a high quality man that will be yours forever.
