When I lecture, coach or regularly talk on the radio about Toxic people, I am usually referring to people who I define as lacking the capacity to reason, or people who have the capacity to reason but just do not want to reason with you. I often advise that the best way to deal with a toxic person is not to deal with that person at all.
However, sometimes a “toxic” person may not be typically toxic at all. In fact the person could be a very caring friend of yours that simply is giving you bad advice or encouraging you in ways that are not in your best long-term interest. A “toxic” person could also be someone that you love, who genuinely loves you back, but isn’t ready or interested in moving forward with you for any number of reasons. Sometimes a toxic person is someone you are very close to, and can even count on, but who also brings out your worst attributes.
If you are single and interested in finding a serious relationship, it is very important that you keep toxic people (and those who are not toxic per se, but have a negative impact on your love life) as far away from you as possible. Here are some examples.
If you happen to be overly critical of yourself to the point that you continually put yourself down, or discourage yourself from trying new things, and there is someone around you that fuels these behaviors, that person may be toxic to you. Even if the person pushes you in discouraging yourself from trying new things because that person just wants to protect your feelings in case those new things do not work out; regardless of the intent, that person is holding you back and not doing you any real favors.
If you happen to start dating someone new and the chemistry is not exactly where you want it to be, and you decided to give your date a chance to let the chemistry develop over time because you really like your date and love all of your date’s other attributes BUT your best friend tells you that you should dump your date, because you deserve better, and should never settle, then your best friend may be toxic to you. Maybe your best friend has your best interests at heart, or maybe your best friend is jealous of your date and doesn’t want to lose spending time with you. Either way, if you have a chance at finding a decent partner to have a serious relationship, and a person in your life is pushing you to give it up before giving it a real chance, that person may be toxic for you.
If you are attempting to adopt a healthier lifestyle of eating better, exercising and reducing the amount of alcohol and junk food you eat, and a person in your life keeps trying to get you to go out places that encourage those behaviors you are trying to change, that person may be toxic for you. The person could attempt to join you on your new outings that encourage your new sought out healthier lifestyle, but isn’t interested, and attempts to guilt you into going places you would rather stay away from, that person may be toxic for you.
If you want to move forward in your life, it is going to involve some sacrifices and one of those sacrifices might mean to spend less time with the toxic people in your life who, good intentions or not, hold you back. There will be consequences such as some hurt feelings, and maybe a little resentment from the people that you put some distance with. On the other hand, the consequences might also include a newfound sense of adventure for life, new confidence in your ability to more forward, and even the best possible serious romantic relationship ever. In the long term, it might be a pretty good trade.
About Your Author
Frank Kermit is an expert Dating and Relationship Coach in private practice and for the match making industry, with over 15+ years experience helping singles and couples using his original Emotional Needs Analysis system.
To learn more about what Frank Kermit can do for you, please visit FrankTalks.com